Rowan Has Two Mommies
by tamaraface
Summary: Spencer and Ashley and baby makes three.
1. Prologue

**Title: Rowan Has Two Mommies.**

**Author: Me**

**Rating: PG**

**Summary: Spencer and Ashley and baby makes three. Future fic.**

**Disclaimer: This fic was kind of inspired by an OC oneshot I read over at but will differ in characters, plot, and storyline. I don't own that fic, but I own this one. I do not, however, own its characters except for the ones I make up.**

**Author's Note: I'm taking a break from my other WIP because I'm stuck, so sorry to anyone who was follwing "City Too Corrupt." Let me know if you like this and maybe I'll make it into a series or spin it off or something. Oh, and if this bit reads like it was written by a child, it's because that's what I was going for. Un-beta'd, so any mistakes are my own.**

Rowan has two mommies. He doesn't think it's weird even though some other people do. He just thinks it makes him a little different but different is good because it would be boring if everyone was all the same. So he's happy he has two mommies instead of a mommy and a daddy, well, he has a daddy that helped make him but he doesn't see him or even know what he looks like, and that's okay because two mommies are plenty enough parents. So even though almost all the other kids have a mommy and daddy, it's okay because he likes being different.

Rowan remembers hearing once that having two mommies is wrong, but he doesn't understand this because his mommies are really good to him and even though they make him eat vegetables and give him time-outs when he's bad, they still love him very much and tell him so all the time. He knows that even though they fight sometimes and take time away from each other, they love each other too. So how can that be wrong?

So Rowan doesn't care too much when the other kids tease him sometimes because mommy Spencer says that sticks and stones may break his bones but words may never hurt him. He's not exactly sure how a stick would break his bones but mommy Ashley taught him how to throw a mean right hook if he ever needs it.

And Rowan thinks he'd much rather have two mommies anyway because his friend Stevie says that dads aren't all that great. He says that all they do is work all day and come home when they're too tired to play with you and just sit on the couch and watch the news. Rowan's mommies always have time to play with him. His mommy Spencer doesn't really like the news and works from home so she can be there when Rowan gets back from school to help him with his homework and even play Tonka trucks when she's not making dinner. And even when mommy Ashley gets back from work, she's never too tired to take him to the park or play catch in the backyard, and she always brings him really cool presents. Both his mommies say that family is the most important thing, next to God, so Rowan believes them.

That's why he doesn't complain too much when he has to go see his Grandma Paula or Uncle Glen or go to church. Even though he doesn't really like doing any of those things, he does because mommy Ashley says they're really important to his mommy Spencer and it makes her happy. And since Rowan is a good boy and he loves to see his mommy happy, he goes.

Once, Rowan heard his grandma say something that sounded like she didn't think his mommy Ashley was like a real mother. That made Rowan really angry and he didn't talk to his grandma for weeks because of it because his mommy Ashley was just as much his mother as his mommy Spencer was. They were exactly the same as mommies. Well, not exactly the same. They were different on the outside.

His mommy Ashley wasn't as tall and she had reddish-brown hair and brown eyes almost the same as his. And also, his mommy Ashley usually let him get away with more stuff and was more fun most of the time. She was the one who liked to spoil him and let him play all those video games that mommy Spencer says are too violent. But she can also be strict when she wants to. Like the time she washed his mouth out with soap when he said the S-word.

His mommy Spencer has sort of golden brown hair and blue eyes, like he does, because she was the one who gave birth to him, and she's usually more firm with him. She always makes sure he brushes his teeth and takes his bath and doesn't put his same underwear back on. But she can be really kind, too. She's usually the one that kisses him better when he gets hurt and tells him that it's okay when people stare meanly.

His mommies aren't exactly the same but they're both his mommies and that's the point.


	2. Chapters 1 and 2

Disclaimer: See part the first.

**A/N: Okay, so the document submitter thing isn't working for me so this is two parts in one so it'll be super long. Don't expect this much in future updates. Thanks to those who reviewed, I love to hear your thoughts. Kindly review even if you don't review kindly. Feedback is love.**

**_EmoKitten_: I picked Rowan pretty much because I think it's a pretty bitchen name, and it's what I plan on naming my son. Plus, I see Spencer and Ashley as unique individuals who would give their child a unique name.**

**I.**

Spencer isn't sure what happened. She isn't sure when it all changed. How her perfect little family went from perfect to torn, she has no idea. And she doesn't like it. She's tired of waking up next to no one. She's sick of short, hurried, and sporadic phone calls from the woman she's supposed to be married to. And she hates how her son looks up at her through wet eyes and asks when mommy is coming home.

She palms the steering wheel into a sharp turn and her engagement ring catches a shaft of sunlight. She closes her eyes against memories of a proposal, a wedding, and promises broken. Spencer's got half the mind to take the damn thing off because it doesn't even mean much at this point. She doesn't though, she just pulls into an empty space in front of the elementary school and gets out to meet her son.

Spencer sees him before he sees her. Well, she hears him first. The boy's got quite a set of pipes for a six year old and Spencer catches a loud "Mommy!" from fifteen feet away through a crowd of people. It's a little weird because Rowan calls her mama, not mommy, but Spencer realizes Rowan wasn't yelling for her. She watches her son jump into the arms of his mother and Spencer isn't sure if she's more happy or angry.

She waits a moment before approaching them and wishes she'd worn something other than jeans and a sweatshirt for once. Ashley is letting Rowan down just as Spencer is coming up behind her. Spencer almost can't believe how much Ashley's changed since she's last seen her. But then she can. She's used to it by now. Ashley pushes a hand through Rowan's curls and says she's sorry to see he cut it.

Rowan makes a face and points up at Spencer, "Mama made me."

Ashley turns and sees Spencer. When she stands, she's too close, and Spencer has to take a step back. Ashley sort of breathes her name and leans in for a kiss, but Spencer turns her head and Ashley's lips catch her cheek. Ashley pretends she didn't notice when she pulls back and Rowan is talking about the picture he made in art today.

"Hey, bubba?" Ashley says to Rowan. "Why don't you go get in the car, I wanna talk to Mama real quick."

"Okay, but then can we go the store? Because Stevie--Stevie used my crayons today to make his um, picture? And he broke like, half of all of them." Spencer watches Ashley smile at their son and she softens. A little.

"Sure, we can do that." Spencer tries to follow the little boy and a warm hand grabs at her wrist. Spencer thinks she could pull away, but she really doesn't want to. It's been far too long since Ashley's touched her.

"We're not doing this now, Ashley. Not here." Spencer thinks she sees a flash of something in Ashley's eyes. Disappointment? Anger? She used to know the difference.

"Fine, okay. Just--" And Ashley pulls the wrist she's holding, until Spencer comes closer, until Spencer's in her arms again, until Spencer thinks she might cry.

Spencer wraps her arms around a waist and arms wrap around her neck and the words that have been on her lips since Ashley had walked out the door come dangerously close to slipping out. "I've missed you" comes out instead and Ashley's arms tighten around her neck, her body flush against Spencer's own. Yes. It's been far too long.

II.

Ashley had dropped all her things off at home before she went to the school. She'd half expected Spencer to have changed the locks when she got to the house. But everything was right where she'd left it. It all looked the same. Only empty. Which is something Ashley had had enough of. Empty hotel rooms. Empty beds. Empty looks in Spencer's eyes when she tells her she'd be leaving again.

But it's okay now. Ashley's going to make it up to Spencer. And Rowan. She told Spencer once that she didn't want to hurt her and Ashley realizes that's all she's been doing. So Ashley wants to make it better. She needs to. She needs Spencer to know just how important she is to her, how much this family they've made together means. So Ashley stretches a hand out. Spencer's hand is resting idle on the gearshift as she drives and Ashley wants to hold it. She wants to hold Spencer; wrap her in her arms and never let her go again, but her hand will do for now.

Ashley's hand hovers over the emergency brake, indecisive, and Ashley watches as Spencer's hand returns to the steering wheel and stays there. Ashley draws her hand back into her lap and she can hear Rowan behind her singing along to the CD in the stereo.

She's hurt him too. Her baby. Someone who was supposed to love her for her, and he did. And she'd hurt him. Ashley hates that she leaves him. She hates how he cries when she has to go and that Spencer has to pull him away. It doesn't matter that she's doing it for him. That she's supporting her family the only way she knows how and sometimes it means she has to do that elsewhere.

Ashley just can't find the right way to say that sometimes. She has no trouble finding words to fill lyrics, to make music. But when it comes to being honest and voicing what she feels, Ashley pretty much sucks. Half the time, when she actually _does _know what she wants to say, she can't find the courage to say it. She can't get past her lips reasons and excuses and apologies to justify her behavior when she knows they're only going to hurt. Ashley's tired of hurting.

She reaches over and gently pulls Spencer's hand from the wheel. Spencer won't look over but she doesn't pull her hand away either. That's something.

-----------------------------------------

Ashley has insisted on making dinner. Spencer argued that Ashley had had a long trip and should relax, but Ashley needed to start the healing somewhere. Besides, Spencer had done just about all the cooking since they'd been together, it was the least Ashley could do. Even she could handle boiling spaghetti.

Ashley has tried to ignore the fact that Spencer hasn't said anything to her since they'd gotten into the house. She's really trying not to notice. But Spencer had given her an earful when she'd been gone but now Ashley didn't warrant so much as a "How was your flight"? Ashley hears Rowan say something about needing a toy and he makes a dash for his bedroom.

Spencer tries to busy herself with tossing an already-tossed salad, eyes fixed firmly on the wooden bowl. Ashley watches in silence for a moment and wants nothing more than for those eyes to come back up and meet hers.

"Why won't you talk to me?" The words are out of Ashley's mouth before she can stop them.

Spencer just frowns and shakes her head, incredulous. Like she can't believe Ashley is even asking. She doesn't answer so Ashley steps closer.

"Spencer."

"Ashley, I'm really not in the mood to fight right now."

"Who's fighting? I'm just asking what you're hoping to accomplish by ignoring me. You're going to have to talk to me eventually, I'm not going anywhere."

"Today," Spencer mutters. Under her breath, but Ashley hears it. Spencer finally looks up at Ashley and her eyes are clouded with anger and something else Ashley doesn't recognize. "You were gone four months."

"I was working."

"You were partying! Don't insult my intelligence, Ashley, we've been married too long. I know what happens when you go on those tours. You told me six weeks. Six weeks, Ashley. But instead you're out all over the country doing God knows what for four _months _and you can't even pick up a damn phone!"

"I called," Ashley volunteers. But it's weak.

"Yeah, when you remembered to let me know you weren't coming home for another week."

Ashley isn't sure she has anything to say to that. And Spencer's so angry. "I'm sorry."

"Really?" Spencer asks, her voice thick with sarcasm. "All better now."

Ashley can't remember ever seeing Spencer so be cruel. "Why are you being so hard on me?"

"Am I supposed to make this easy for you? You left us, Ashley," Spencer pauses. "You left me."

Ashley wants to tell her that that was the last thing she'd meant to do. She wants to say that desertion was the furthest thing from her mind as she stepped on that bus. She'd never meant to hurt Spencer. Everything Ashley's done since they'd met, good, bad, or otherwise, has been for Spencer. Because she loves her. And she knows Spencer has abandonment issues, that Ashley had only bolstered them when she left. And she's beyond sorry. That's what Ashley wants to say. But nothing leaves her mouth.

Spencer looks past Ashley to the stove where the water is bubbling over. She moves to remove the pot but Ashley beats her to it, scalding herself in the process. When Ashley cries out, Spencer is at her side, pressing a wet towel over Ashley's shaking hand. Ashley can feel tears burning at her eyes and thinks they have nothing to do with the pain in her hand and everything to do with Spencer holding it.

When Spencer's eyes catch hers, the anger is gone but the pain that is there mirrors Ashley's own. Spencer's head tilts slightly in a gesture Ashley's come to recognize and her gaze is sympathetic when Ashley lets the tears fall. Spencer brushes Ashley's tears away with the pad of her thumb and her hand lingers on Ashley's cheek. Ashley can't help but let her eyes drift shut.

"Baby…" Spencer starts. She's interrupted by a yell for her from upstairs. Rowan can't find his dinosaur.

"Go, I'm fine," Ashley tells her, even though she's far from it. Ashley turns back to the dinner she's been neglecting as Spencer heads for the stairs. As soon as she's gone though, Ashley covers her face and cries.

----------------------------------------

Ashley is giving Rowan a bath an hour later while Spencer cleans up from dinner. Ashley thinks he may be old enough to take showers, but the boy likes bubbles. Ashley's thumbing through a magazine when an errant splash lands on her boots. She looks up at her son who's smiling from underneath a beard of suds.

"Water stays in the tub, bub," Ashley reminds him.

"In the tub, bub. In the tub, bub," Rowan sing-songs. Ashley helps her son rinse the shampoo from his hair and asks him if he remembers what his first word was.

"No, mom," he tells her, "No one remembers their first anything from when they were that little."

"You were right here," Ashley tells him as she works the conditioner into his hair. "I was giving you a bath and you were playing with the soap. You pointed at the bubbles and I told you what they were but you couldn't quite say bubbles, it just came out 'Bubba.'"

"Oh, I get it now!" he says and Ashley laughs. She tips her son's head back so she can rinse the rest the product out of his hair and she's almost startled at how much he looks like Spencer. "What?"

Ashley smiles. "You look just like your mama."

"She says I act just like you, says I can be…" he has to think hard to remember the right word. "Incorrigible. What's that mean, anyway?"

"It means you gotta get out of that tub before you wrinkle up like a prune."

"No, it doesn't," Rowan argues, even as he steps into the towel Ashley held out for him.

Ashley gets Rowan ready for bed and tucks him in before taking her own shower. But she doesn't tell him what "incorrigible" means. She doesn't want him to feel hopeless too.

---------------------------------------------

When Ashley gets out of the shower, Spencer is unpacking her suitcase for her, which is nice because Ashley's really tired. She sits down in front of her mirror and tries to watch Spencer as discreetly as possible while she brushes through her damp hair. Ashley averts her eyes when Spencer catches them in the reflection. It's for the best because Ashley wasn't paying much attention and the comb got stuck.

Spencer sighs before she crosses the room, but Ashley's pretty she smiling, if only a little. Spencer is able to disentangle the comb from Ashley's hair, but she stays put behind Ashley, pulling the comb gently through her curls.

Ashley looks down at her hands and clenches them because they're shaking. She isn't sure how to feel, this action is oddly too intimate given the current state of things. When Ashley looks back up she hadn't realized Spencer had dipped her head until Ashley's collides with Spencer's mouth. Then all Ashley wants is Spencer's lips back on her body.

Spencer's voice is small but determined when she speaks. "We need to talk."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Yay, update. So school starts tomorrow and I wanted to post another update before I get all bogged down by school. This is longer than I'd expected it to be so it should tide you over until I get another chance to work on this fic. Thanks for any and all feedback, I'm so glad that my story is so enjoyable. I love to hear your thoughts, so don't forget to let me know what you think. **

**III.**

Spencer doesn't want to let go of Ashley once she's got her in her arms, but she knows she has to if this conversation is going to be had. It takes some effort but she's able to put some space between herself and Ashley. On the corner of her bed, she has to resist the urge to draw her knees up and hide. Ashley sits back against the table, eyes expectant, nervous, and waits.

"Look, I know I've been unreasonable today and I'm sorry for that. This just kind of feels like an ambush. I hadn't heard from you in so long and then you just showed up at the school and it was really unexpected. I guess I didn't realize how angry I was so when I saw you, I--" Spencer looks up in the middle of her speech and Ashley's eyes have fallen shut. "Ashley!"

Brown eyes snap open and refocus, and Spencer can't bite back the venom that creeps into her voice. "I'm sorry, am I boring you?"

"No! No, I'm listening. Really, Spencer I was."

"Yeah? What did I say?" Spencer waits and feigns patience while Ashley tries to remember what she'd said or come up with a descent lie. "This is exactly what I'm talking about, Ashley. I'm trying here. I'm trying to tell you how I feel, to make this work, and you can't even stay awake to listen to me!"

"I am listening, I am. It's just the jet lag catching up to me."

"I've heard enough excuses from you," Spencer shakes her head; she really has.

"No, I want to talk, Spence. Please?" Ashley stands and sits down on the bed next to Spencer. She takes Spencer's hand between two of her own and gives Spencer her undivided attention. "Please."

"I don't know if I can do this anymore." Spencer feels Ashley's hands go slack around hers and it breaks her heart to see the hurt in Ashley's eyes.

"What?"

"You're gone nearly seven months out of the year. When you're home, you're still working all the time. Your son doesn't see enough of you. _I_ don't see enough of you. It's becoming too difficult to keep this family going, Ashley."

"So it's all got to be easy?"

"No. But it shouldn't be this hard. I hate that we've gotten to this point. This isn't what I wanted for us. I wanted all those things we talked about, everything you promised me--"

"I've given them to you," Ashley insists.

"You've given me what, Ashley? This house? Our family? What good is any of it if you're not here to share it with me? All of this--" Spencer motions to their lavish surroundings, "Means nothing without you.

"I know it's not all your fault because I let you do what you do, but it's not just hurting us. We both know what broken families can do to a child, I don't want that for our son."

"Neither do I. I love Rowan, I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt you either. I just want us to go back to the way we used to be."

"I don't know how to get back there anymore." Spencer cant look at Ashley when she says what she does next. "I don't know how long I can keep trying."

"What are you saying?" Ashley can't keep the panic out of her voice.

"I'm saying that I can't keep doing this. Not the way things are going."

Ashley takes her hands back and crosses her arms, trying to keep from crying. "Are you leaving me?"

"I don't know," Spencer says because she really doesn't.

"But I love you," Ashley's voice is barely audible.

"I know you do, I'm just not sure that's enough anymore."

------------------------------------

Spencer decides to sleep on the couch, to give Ashley her space. She knows space is the last thing Ashley wants right now but Spencer doesn't think she can stand to watch Ashley cry. She's pulling out the sofa bed when she hears the pitter-patter of tiny feet.

"Rowan?"

The little boy startles a bit when he hears his name and nearly drops the cup he was carrying. 'Hi, Mama."

"What are you doing up so late, honey?"

"I uh, wanted some juice," he says, pulling open the fridge. Spencer makes her way to the kitchen and takes out the apple juice that's out of his reach. "Thank you, Mama."

"Sure you didn't just want some cookies?"

"No… but now that you mention it, I could eat some cookies." Spencer tries not to laugh at her son's attempt at cleverness. He really does take after Ashley.

Spencer takes the Oreos down from the top of the fridge and opens them up. Rowan follows dutifully to the couch where Spencer sits and waits for her to hand him some cookies. He gets down through the cream before he realizes he's sitting on a bed and not a sofa.

"Are you sleeping out here, Mama?"

"Yeah, looks like."

"How come you aren't sleeping with Mommy?" Rowan asks around a mouthful of cookies.

"Just because."

Rowan frowns and looks down at his lap. Spencer flinches when she hears his tone. "Are you fighting again?"

"Sweetie, come here." Rowan brushes the cookie crumbs from his lap before climbing into his mother's. "Even if mommy and I are fighting, that doesn't mean you should worry about it."

"But I don't want you guys to fight. I want you to be happy." Spencer smiles at this. "You still love each other right?"

"Of course we do."

"So we're still a family?"

"Always, Rowan."

"And you're not gonna get dis-vorced?"

Spencer has no idea what to say to this, she doesn't want to lie. But she can't say for sure either way. She sees tears rise in her son's eyes before she can answer. "Mama…"

"No, baby, we're not. Don't worry about that."

"Go sleep with mommy, then."

"I think she might be upset with me right now."

Rowan brings a tapping finger to his lips and furrows his brow in concentration. "Well," he starts, "Whenever you're upset with me, I just let you cool down and then say sorry and tell you I love you. Then you usually stop being upset at me. So go tell mommy you're sorry and you love her and maybe she won't be mad no more, okay?"

Spencer wishes it were that easy.

-------------------------------------

Spencer puts Rowan back to bed and waits until he falls asleep. When she pushes open her bedroom door, Ashley has curled up on her part of the bed. Spencer can't help the smile that itches at her lips because Ashley could never stay on her side.

Spencer pulls back the covers and crawls into bed next to her wife. With Ashley's back to her, Spencer lays back and settles down behind her. She rests a tentative hand on Ashley's hip but pulls it back when Ashley stirs. Spencer hears her murmur softly and Ashley scoots back into Spencer's arms.

It's been so long since she's held Ashley that Spencer can't help the contented sigh that tumbles past her lips. Spencer mumbles an apology into Ashley's hair and she can't tell what Ashley's response is because whatever she says is swallowed by a pillow.

Ashley pulls Spencer's arm tighter around her waist and laces their fingers together. Spencer doesn't think about it when she presses a kiss to Ashley's bare shoulder, but she's resolute when she turns her head and whispers into Ashley's ear that she loves her too.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So this update took a while and it's pretty short. But school's just started and with it comes homework. So, boo on that. But thanks to all those who've been waiting and I'm happy to get this next part up for you all. For anyone who was wondering, I'm figuring Spencer and Ashley at about their early thirties. **

**IV.**

Early sunlight forces Ashley's eyes open, but she doesn't need to open them to know that Spencer's not beside her anymore. But still, she sweeps a lazy arm across the bed behind her to make certain. Nothing. It takes a second for Ashley to detangle herself from the covers, but she pulls on her robe, makes herself presentable, and follows the smell of breakfast downstairs.

Ashley's pretty sure that a box of Bisquick has exploded in her kitchen; there's a fine layer of the powder coating almost everything and batter everywhere else. Spencer is standing with Rowan in front of her, helping him press a pancake to a golden brown. They've both managed to get more of the stuff in their hair than on the griddle.

"Morning, Mommy. I'm making breakfast!" Rowan calls from the stove. Spencer warns him to watch what he's doing.

"Yeah, bub, I can see that. Whatcha cooking?"

"All kinds of pancakes and some eggs and sausage and coffee and orange juice." Rowan turns to his mother and beams proudly. "I did it all myself."

That earns him a swat on the head from Spencer and he corrects himself. "Okay, Mama helped. A little."

"Looks like you both did a good job."

Ashley busies herself with setting the table while her wife and son finish cooking. When Spencer sets a plate in front of Ashley, she pauses for a second, rests her hand on top of Ashley's.

"Sleep well?" she asks with a small smile. And for a moment it's like nothing's changed between them.

"I did." Then Spencer rises, pulls her hand away, the moment over.

Rowan supplies most of the conversation, talking around mouthfuls of pancake about whatever pops into his head. And Ashley listens; impressed with how articulate her son has become and increasingly sorry that she's already missed so much of his life. Spencer stays pretty quiet, no doubt already having heard these stories countless times, but Ashley tries to engage her anyway. Asking questions and offering smiles, hoping she doesn't sound as desperate as she is. Spencer doesn't make it easy. She makes Ashley work for every bit of attention and Ashley wants the Spencer from this morning back.

---------------------------------------------

After breakfast, Rowan heads upstairs to get dressed while Ashley and Spencer are washing the dishes together. Ashley can't think of much to say. It shouldn't be this hard to make conversation, and Spencer isn't helping. Ashley considers telling Spencer that she's grateful for last night, that she's glad they're taking steps towards healing, but when her mouth opens, Ashley hears herself asking Spencer about the forecast.

"It's supposed to be pretty warm. Maybe we could take Rowan to the park. Or we could--"

"Please don't leave me." The words are out of Ashley's mouth before she knows she's thinking them.

"Ash…"

"Spence, please. Just listen." Spencer sighs and pulls her hands from the suds, shakes them dry, and waits. "I know I've made mistakes. With you and with Rowan, but I need you to understand that I'm sorry, it was never my intention to hurt either of you."

"But you still did, Ashley. It doesn't matter what you meant to do, only what you've done. Why don't you see that?"

"I _do_. I know that, and I'm trying to make it right but you won't let me!"

"Don't yell at me, Ashley, I've done nothing wrong here. I don't what you expected to come home to but I'm not going to welcome you with open arms just because you feel bad now."

Ashley is too exasperated to keep arguing. Mostly because she knows Spencer is absolutely right and that thought makes her angrier than anything else. She doesn't want to fight anymore. She just wants Spencer to stop being so mad at her.

"I'm sorry, Spencer. I don't know what else to say to you. I know I've made so many mistakes and the last thing I deserve is another chance, but I'm sort of hoping you'll give me one anyway. If you let me, I'll make it up to you, I swear."

Ashley's standing in front of Spencer now, just inches away. So close that she can count the smattering of freckles on the bridge of her nose. Spencer crosses her arms over her chest and Ashley tries not to notice.

"I just love you so much, Spencer. And I know it doesn't always look like it because I always manage to screw everything up but you gotta know that our family means everything to me and I'm so sorry that I've taken you both for granted."

Ashley isn't positive, but she's pretty sure Spencer's just rolled her eyes a little. Ashley tries not to get angry and reaches out to pull apart Spencer's arm, she needs Spencer to listen to her. She needs Spencer to _hear _ her.

"Believe me, Spencer. Whether or not you trust me anymore, believe me when I say that I've loved you for more than half my life. I don't know how to live without you." Spencer's eyes kind of fall shut and Ashley thinks she's trying not to cry. "Please, baby. Please don't leave me."

Ashley draws Spencer into her arms and holds tight. Spencer is stiff at first but after a second, she's hugging back just as hard. Spencer shakes her head a little and sighs into Ashley's curls. "I'm not going to leave you," she says. And Ashley can breathe again.


	5. Chapter 5 pt 1

**A/N: Here's a little something for you all. There IS more to this chapter, but it's not finished yet and I wanted to get something up since it's been so long. That's better than nothing right? Feedback is love.**

**Rating: Upping it to a soft R for sexual content. **

**V.1**

Spencer is a little unclear on how exactly one goes from that sincere, nearly heart-breaking, conversation to this impetuous, kind of rough make-up sex. Spencer's confused, yes, but she's also amazed at how much she does not care. And she knows she should. Care, that is. But it's hard for her to form coherent thoughts when Ashley is any kind of naked near her, and right now, Ashley is _very _naked.

Spencer has just missed Ashley so much. Her best friend. Her wife. Her lover. Her partner in all things. So Spencer doesn't put up much of a fight when Ashley kisses her. Or when she pulls her upstairs to their bedroom. A little part of her, somewhere deep down, is telling her that they shouldn't do this. That they need to work on their relationship before they work on each other. Even that it's the middle of the day and their son might find them. But Spencer's desire is outweighing her sense and really it just feels too damn good.

Ashley is looking positively predatory and Spencer's loving every second of it. Her clothes end up in a puddle on the floor and Ashley's lips are just everywhere. Ashley kisses a maddeningly slow trail down Spencer's chest and Spencer can't believe she's actually shaking. Ashley's mouth reaches the apex of her thighs and Spencer feels tears burning behind her eye lids.

----------------------------------------

Ashley is tracing circles on Spencer's stomach when they're finished. Exhausted, sated, Spencer rolls over and digs through the night stand. She emerges with a pack of Marlboros and lights up while Ashley looks on. Spencer's not really a smoker. She could take or leave it. But there really is something to be said about post-coital languorous smoking. And with Ashley gone, Spencer had had room for another bad habit.

Spencer doesn't have to look at Ashley to know that she's completely stunned. But Spencer looks over anyway, blue smoke escaping her lips and drifting towards Ashley's shocked face. Ashley makes a noticeable effort not to cough but she can't stifle a cringe. Ashley's mouth falls open but the question dies on her lips. If she had asked when Spencer had taken up smoking, she'd be inviting accusatory remarks about her absence, about how Spencer wouldn't have if Ashley'd been home. So Spencer's glad Ashley keeps her mouth shut because she doesn't want to have to point out how it's all Ashley's fault anyway.

Spencer pulls herself up and out of bed, taking the sheet with her. She hears Ashley make a kind of startled noise when she's left exposed but Spencer just keeps walking. There'd been a time when Spencer wouldn't have bothered covering up. When she had no qualms about being naked with Ashley. Completely, unabashedly naked. But now Spencer thinks it inappropriately intimate. She wishes the sheet she were wearing wasn't so translucent because she can feel Ashley's eyes on her and she's never felt so bare.

Spencer pulls shut the bathroom door behind her and her fingers hesitate on the lock. Spencer turns on the water, as high as it'll go, and steps into the spray. It's hot, so hot that it's turning Spencer's sun kissed skin an irritated lobster red, but Spencer just stands there. She scrubs herself with the soap, maybe a bit too hard, and blinks through the fresh tears, terrified that she's never going to stop feeling so dirty.


	6. Chapter 5 pt 2

**A/N: I'll bet we're all wondering where I'm going with this, huh? We'll see. I'm not entirely sure yet. But I will tell you, Spencer's got good reason to feel dirty. And I wanna apologize in advance if some of this feels a little out of character, but you need to understand that Spencer and Ashley are no longer kids and they've been through quite a lot. Let me know what you think.**

**V.2**

Ashley's downstairs watching Rowan play video games when she decides to try and confront Spencer. Spencer wanders into the kitchen for more ice and Ashley's eyes move of their own accord, drifting from the TV screen to follow Spencer. Ashley asks Rowan if he has any homework.

"Just a little, but it'll only take five minutes. I wanna finish this game first." Ashley lifts a bare foot in front of Rowan's side of the screen, blocking his view until Rowan's last character is thwarted, effectively costing him the game. "Hey, you cheated!"

"Yeah. But now you're finished." Ashley stands up and pulls her son to his feet. "So go do your homework." Rowan stomps off unhappily and Ashley joins Spencer in the sitting room.

Spencer has a book in one hand and a drink in the other. Ashley reaches a hand out and pushes the book down until it reaches Spencer's lap. Spencer frowns and takes a long sip from her glass, but she says nothing.

"I thought you were done not talking to me."

"I was until you decided a better course of action would be jumping my bones." Ashley snorts in indignation and feels her eyes narrow.

"I wasn't alone in that bed, Spencer. It takes two people to have sex."

"Whatever. I really don't have the strength to get into this with you again," says Spencer, rising unsteadily to refill her glass.

Ashley stands up too, muttering as she does that it's no surprise Spencer's heading back to the bar. Then Ashley flinched, the glass Spencer had been drinking from shattered against the wall next to her head. Ashley's a little scared when she looks back at Spencer, she's never seen her so angry.

"Don't you _dare_, Ashley." Spencer crosses the room until she's right in front of Ashley. "Where the hell do you get off talking to me like that?"

"Okay, you're drunk," Ashley states, stepping back. This was so not how she saw this conversation going.

"Do you want to know when I started drinking? When you left me!"

"I was _working_! I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. What do want from me!"

"I want you to stop making promises you don't keep. I want you to stop disappointing me and I want you to stop disappointing your son."

"Don't give me that, Spencer. This has nothing to do with him. This is about you and your insecurities."

"My insecurities?" Ashley thinks Spencer is going to yell again, but she lowers her voice, says more to herself "God, you're even more clueless than I thought if you really think our problem is my being insecure."

"Then what is our problem?" Ashley takes a step forward, tries to keep her voice steady. "Spencer, please just tell me so I can fix it."

"I'm sorry I threw that glass at you."

"It's okay, you throw like a girl," Ashley says, trying to get a laugh. Spencer just falls slowly to the couch.

"I'm so tired, Ash."

"I thought we were going to try and work on us." Ashley sits down next to her, says quietly, "Do you still want that?"

Spencer doesn't say anything but Ashley can see it in her face, in her eyes, that she's fighting herself. Ashley takes her hand, asks her to be honest. So Spencer draws a shaky breath and turns to Ashley with wet eyes.

"I love you," she says. "Don't doubt that. But we need so much work and I don't know where to start."

"Well," Ashley says gently, "we could start with why you got so upset after we made love. I thought I heard you crying in the bathroom."

Spencer throws back her head, sighing loudly. She pulls a lazy arm over her eyes and Ashley can't see much of her face. "I don't know,"

"Then you were crying?" and Ashley thinks she should stop asking questions. That she should have some fucking dignity, but Ashley was never one to keep her mouth shut. "Spencer?"

"Yeah. I was. But it wasn't you. I've just been going through some things and when we… I just-- It was just a lot for me to handle. Really, though, it wasn't you."

"Well that's good, I guess." Spencer lets her arm fall away from her eyes but she keeps them closed. Ashley leans over a bit and pushes some hair out of Spencer's face, she feels a smile tug at her lips when Spencer leans into her touch. Ashley's still stroking Spencer's hair when she hears bare feet shuffle across the floor.

"Mama? Can you help me with my homework?" Rowan asks, dragging a notebook with him as he climbs onto the couch. He smiles at Ashley as he settles in her lap before turning back to Spencer.

"And how do we ask for that?"

"Mama, would you help me with my homework, please?" Ashley presses a kiss to the back of Rowan's head while Spencer reminds him of the difference between vowels and consonants.

The phone rings while Spencer is trying to help Rowan come up with five words that have "y" as a vowel. Ashley lets Rowan slide of her lap and rises to answer it. On the other end is a voice she hasn't heard in a while. Ashley talks with Aiden for a little while and then gives the phone to Rowan so he can speak with his Uncle A. about the Angels game next week.

Spencer is braced against the sink when Ashley goes to the kitchen to get a soda. Ashley's not sure but she thinks Spencer's crying. Ashley rests a quiet hand on Spencer's shoulder so she turns. She is crying.

Spencer asks Ashley if she really wants her to be honest. And something in Spencer's voice makes Ashley want to say no. But she doesn't. She asks Spencer for the truth. Spencer speaks so quietly and the truth breaks Ashley to her very core. "I slept with Aiden."


	7. Chapter 6 pt 1

**A/N: Not sure what to say here. I didn't want to post again until I got this chapter just right, but since you're all so very anxious... here's a little something 'till next time. I just hope that it lives up to your expectations. Thanks so much for all the feedback, the response were pretty overwhelming and I hope that you're happy with what comes next.**

**Disclaimer: You know I don't own South, that privilege belongs to Tom Lynch, but I also borrowed one line from Sylvia Plath (you get a cookie if you know which one), no infringement intended.**

**VI.**

Spencer watches Ashley for some kind of reaction, anything. But Ashley's eyes just drop to the floor and she stays silent. Spencer thinks for a second that maybe Ashley hadn't actually heard her, but of course she had. Ashley clenches her fists and Spencer sees her jaw tighten and worries for a second that Ashley might actually hit her. But of course she doesn't. What she does is worse.

Ashley just turns on her heel and walks away.

-------------------------------

Spencer feels like she can't breathe. The silence was heavy and the weight of it was more than Spencer could bear, the silence of it pervading her senses and it was like being burned alive along her nerves. She didn't care if Ashley yelled. If she screamed at her and called her names. _Something_. But Ashley doesn't say anything or even look at her and it's making Spencer angry.

She knows it's awful for her to be angry, that she's just being selfish if she's this desperate for a reaction, but dammit, she'd _cheated_ on her wife, that warrants some sort of response. Then something strikes Spencer. But she can't believe attention is all she'd wanted. Sure, she'd wanted it, it was part of the reason she'd done this; because at least Aiden had noticed her, but she couldn't have hoped that Ashley would suddenly grant her interest for being unfaithful.

And it wasn't like this wasn't killing Spencer. She hated herself for it. Hated herself so much that sometimes she couldn't stand being in her own skin. She was disgusted with herself for letting it happen. And with Aiden for starting it in the first place. Spencer has no qualms with taking responsibility for her actions, but there'd be no actions to take responsibility for if Aiden hadn't come to keep her company that night Rowan slept over Stevie's house. If Aiden hadn't broken out the beer and insisted they make it a party. If Aiden hadn't looked over at her with that barely-veiled longing and kissed her. If Aiden hadn't kissed her, Spencer would've never considered kissing him back.

Spencer wants to tell Ashley all of this. She wants to tell her how incredibly sorry she is, how she was just so lonely and even thought that's no excuse, it's the only reason Spencer has. Really, Spencer was just so desperate for any sort of attention, she took it without thinking. Ashley knows what that's like. And Spencer really doesn't want to make excuses because she knows what she's done is beyond wrong, but she can't help feeling the tiniest bit justified in her actions. And that hurts Spencer more than anything.

---------------------------------

Spencer waits outside her son's door while Ashley reads him a story. After she tucks him into bed, Ashley turns out the light and closes the door behind her. Spencer is waiting for her in the hallway, but Ashley won't even meet her eyes. Spencer follows her down the corridor, asks if they're going to talk about this.

"No," Ashley says, "we're really not."

"You can't do that. You can't just--" and Ashley interrupts and her voice is dripping with disdain.

"I can't do that? I can't do that. I really don't think you're in the position to tell me what to do. Do you?"

Spencer takes a step forward, reaches out and just as quickly Ashley steps back, sort of pressing herself against the wall. And her eyes drop back to the floor. A frantic hand rises to stop Spencer in her place and Ashley's voice falters but is still so full of loathing. "Don't touch me."

Spencer pulls her hand back like she's been burned and she has. Ashley tells her that she can't stand to be this close to her right now, that she doesn't trust herself to hold a civil conversation with Spencer so they really shouldn't talk. Spencer just nods and tries not to look like she's breaking. She asks Ashley if she should sleep on the couch but her voice comes out soft and whiny. Ashley tells her that she doesn't have to, that she'll be spending the night in Rowan's room. She tells Spencer that he's the only reason she's still in this house.

---------------------------------


	8. Chapter 6 pt 2

**Disclaimer: Standard applies. And I kind of borrowed a line from One Tree Hill, no infringement intended.**

**A/N: I wanted to get an update posted sooner but I was really sick this week and was pretty much bed-ridden. I worked on this instead of the moutain of make-up work I have to do, so kindly review. Pretty please?**

**VI.2**

Ashley manages to get through a week, only says fifty-seven words to Spencer, when she decides that enough is enough. She doesn't really count the words or phrases she has to repeat like "no" and "I really don't want to talk." That, and she can't sleep with Rowan any longer; he kicks and even drools some. So she tucks him into bed again, kisses him goodnight, and spends too much time wasting inordinate amounts of water taking a really long shower. She wants to be sure Spencer's in bed when she gets out. So she takes her time drying off, getting dressed, until she's sure Spencer has gone down for the night. She thinks it might be easier to talk if Spencer wasn't sitting up and looking at her. Ashley pushes open the door to the bedroom they share and takes a deep breath.

Spencer's not asleep, Ashley can tell. She's in bed and her eyes are closed, but she's awake. Ashley shuts the door and sits down on the floor next to where Spencer is laying. If she turned her head she could look Spencer in the face, but she really doesn't want to do that right now. So she takes a second to collect her thoughts, and gives Spencer a second to stop pretending she's sleeping. She doesn't trust her voice but she speaks anyway, before she loses her nerve or desire to do this.

"Okay, here's the thing," and Ashley can practically hear Spencer's eyes open at her voice. "The thing is, I'm angry…"

"I know that, and I just--"

"You really need to not interrupt me," Ashley says curtly. She lifts tired hands to rub at her temples in an attempt to stem off her growing headache. "I need to say this and if you start talking it's going to come out wrong and I'll just say things I don't mean. Can you be quiet?"

"Yeah. Sorry." And Ashley thinks that word has lost all meaning coming from Spencer.

"Honestly, I thought it would take me longer to be able to look at you and not feel sick to my stomach, but we need to talk. Or, I need to talk and you need to listen." Ashley takes a breath and swallows hard, she fights to keep her voice steady. "What you did… after everything you've been telling me since I got home, what you did just really, really hurt."

Spencer kicked the covers off and climbed down onto the floor next to Ashley. She keeps plenty of space between them and Ashley notices how Spencer tries not to frown when she scoots the tiniest bit away. Spencer watches as Ashley draws her knees up in front of her and fold her arms on top of them. Ashley's sure she looks as closed of as she feels but at least now she's sure she can talk without her voice breaking.

"I just can't understand why… I mean, after everything we've been through together and between your parents and mine, how could you do that to me?"

Spencer waits a second in case Ashley's going to say more, but she doesn't and Spencer talks. "I wasn't doing it _to_ you."

"Of course you were." Spencer turns in her seat so she facing Ashley. She waits until Ashley meets her eyes before she starts talking again.

"I wasn't. I didn't think about you."

"Obviously," Ashley mutters under her breath, Spencer continues like she hadn't heard her.

"I'd spent the whole time you were away thinking about you. One night, Rowan was gone and Aiden showed up and I let him in. I never planned on doing what we did, but you were gone and I was lonely and we'd been drinking and just missed you so much I wasn't thinking. I'd been feeling uneeded and ignored and I just wanted someone to notice when you hadn't. I'm not saying it was your fault, it was mine. I was weak and Aiden was a distraction. So when he kissed me, I let him because it felt so good to be wanted again. Can you understand that?"

Ashley shook her head and kind of spat the word no. She doesn't understand that. Being lonely was no excuse. Spencer forgets that while she was without Ashley, Ashley was also without Spencer. Ashley was lonely, too. And there were fans and roadies and plenty of people who would've been more than happy to keep Ashley company, but she managed to keep her pants on. She stayed faithful because she had Spencer at home waiting for her and that had always been enough, despite any temptation. Ashley tells Spencer all of this and that if that wasn't enough for her then they haven't been doing what she thought they were doing.

"Then what have we been doing?"

"Falling apart." Ashley pulls herself up off the floor and Spencer stands with her. "I can't forget what you've done. As much as I want to, I can't. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive you either."

Ashley watches Spencer's eyes drop to Ashley's hands. Ashley realizes she's been twisting her wedding ring on her finger and she can see on Spencer's face that Spencer's afraid she's going to take it off. Ashley thinks about it. She thinks maybe she should. But she can't. As bad as she feels, as mad as she is, she doesn't have the strength to leave Spencer. She couldn't if she wanted to, but Ashley realizes she doesn't want to after all.

"I don't know if I'll be able to," Ashley repeats. "But I can try."

Spencer's eyes snap up and she's grinning so wide her whole face lights up and Ashley can't help the smile that's tugs at her own lips. Spencer reaches for her but Ashley has more to say before she lets Spencer back in.

"You've said you're sorry, and I believe you, but I need to know I can still trust you. I have to believe that you're not going to do this to me again."

"Never. Baby, I promise you. I'm not going to hurt you again."

"Good," Ashley says and the tears that come now surprise her, "because I really don't want to get hurt again."

Spencer opens her arms again and Ashley doesn't hesitate to step into them this time. Ashley lets Spencer hold her and when she stops crying, she lets Spencer pull her back to their bed. Ashley curls up in Spencer's arms and pillows her head in the crook of Spencer's neck. Spencer kisses the top of Ashley's head and murmurs "I love you so much" into Ashley's hair. It takes a second, but Ashley is able to reply honestly that she loves Spencer too.


	9. Chapter 7

**A/N: Here's the next part, complete and unabridged, so yay. I've got another WIP going, which was stupid of me, so I'm not sure I'll be able to update as regularly as I'd like to. But once a week ain't bad, is it? Feedback is love.**

**VII.**

Bouncing at the foot of the bed rouses Spencer from her sleep. When her eyes fall open she can see Rowan jumping up and down in a child-size wife beater and Spiderman underoos. Ashley's face is still buried in the crook of her arm so Spencer motions for her son to stop trying to wake them up. Rowan stills as Spencer points to a sleeping Ashley and says in an exaggerated whisper that he's hungry.

Ashley's voice comes out muffled from under Spencer's arm, announcing that he should know where the food is.

Rowan's face falls a little and he tells his mom that after his mishaps with the pop-tarts and the cereal, he wasn't allowed to make his own breakfast anymore. Rowan drops to his knees and crawls up the bed in between his mothers. Tiny fingers push the hair back from Ashley's face and Rowan repeats that he's hungry and it's time to get up.

Spencer watches as Ashley pulls a pillow over her head with an exaggerated groan and Rowan tries valiantly to wrestle it away from her. She's smiling when it turns into an all-out tickle fight but has to end it before she takes another kick to the gut. Ashley pulls Rowan onto her shoulders and piggy-backs him downstairs, Spencer can her them laughing the whole way down and Spencer thinks this is how her family should be.

------------------------------------------------

Spencer and Ashley are poolside in the backyard after breakfast. The LA sun is in peak as the couple dip their feet in the water. Ashley lowers her sunglasses over her eyes and Spencer feels a tug on the beach towel she's wrapped up in. She humors Ashley and removes the towel to reveal a modest swimsuit, the one-piece kind with the little skirt-thing, and Ashley asks where her bikini is from last year. Spencer replies with a pat to Ashley's bare, toned belly, and says that they can't all have rockstar bods. Then Rowan is in in front of them demanding help with his water wings.

He holds the un-inflated piece of green plastic out to Spencer and asks her to blow it up for him. Spencer has to remind him to say please and he does. Ashley stops her before she can bring the thing to her mouth, telling her that Rowan totally slobbered all over it. Spencer dips the wing into the pull to clean and catches Rowan sticking his tongue out at Ashley only to see that Ashley did it first.

"Here, baby," Spencer says, handing the inflated device to her son. Rowan takes it from her and kisses his mother thanks.

"Hey," Ashley says, feigning hurt. "Where's my kiss?"

"Did you want a kiss?" Rowan asks innocently.

"You know I do!"

Rowan leans over and plants a loud kiss on Ashley's cheek, and Ashley thanks him. He pulls the floater over his arm, turns, and pretty much falls into the pool.

"Hey, no splashing!" Spencer warns.

"Seriously!" Ashley dabs at the water that landed on her legs before going back to applying tanning oil to her already bronzed skin. Spencer watches.

"Is there sun-block in that?"

"Nope."

"You'll burn."

"I'll tan. Do my back?" Ashley says. She hands the bottle to Spencer and flips over on her stomach. When she does, Spencer's jaw drops.

"You are not seriously wearing a thong." Spencer throws a towel over Ashley's lower half, not wanting their little boy to see his mother's bare bottom.

"Do you want my ass to be white?" Ashley kicks the towel off. "It needs sun, too."

"God, Ash, at least turn around so Rowan won't see it."

"He has hot moms, he needs to come to terms with that," Ashley says, but she does what Spencer asks. She hands the bottle of tanning oil back to Spencer and reminds her that her back still needs some attention. Spencer complies and doesn't complain.

"Mom…" Rowan whines from under his swim goggles. "Are coming in?"

"No, bub," Ashley calls back, "I'm sunning."

"Mama, make her come in." Spencer tells him that no one interrupts his mommy's tan time. "Then you get in."

Spencer gives in when Rowan keeps begging. She thinks she can feel Ashley's eyes on her as she adjusts the water. It's pretty cold.

Rowan decides they should have a cannonball contest and Spencer helps him out of the pool. Ashley contents herself to judging even though she knows it's not a fair contest. Spencer whispers something in Rowan's ear as he stands dripping and when she counts to three they both jump in and splash Ashley as hard as they can.

Since she's already wet, Ashley gets in the pool.

--------------------------------------------------

Spencer's pulling on jeans when Ashley gets out of the shower. She walks by and Spencer can smell perfume and cucumber-melon lotion and the tiniest bit of chlorine. When Ashley gets dressed, Spencer doesn't pretend she's not looking. Then Ashley looks up, asks if Spencer grabbed her pants by mistake. And Spencer knows they're tight on her, she can't quite button them, but they're hers and she tells Ashley so.

They share the mirror in the bathroom and comb through their tangled hair. They can hear the TV downstairs and Rowan laughing at cartoons. When Ashley puts down her brush, she knocks something off the counter and into the trash. When she reaches down to retrieve it, Spencer's stomach flips.

Ashley pulls something out of the can, looks at it and sets it down. When Ashley glances up at Spencer, she looks hurt and betrayed all over again. Spencer looks back down at the box next to the sink. Now they both know why Spencer's pants don't fit.


	10. Chapter 8

**A/N: I'm expecting a lot of feedback because I'm ignoring my homework to get a second update up for y'all today and it's a long one. Oh, and I just want to quell any worries, since this is after a Spashley fic, they WILL be together, so calm yourselves. Just be patient.**

**Rating: Upped to PG-13 for a couple bad words.**

**VIII.**

A couple hours later and Ashley's kind of having trouble breathing, she's definitely having trouble swallowing around the lump in her throat, and she's really glad she's in the bathroom because she thinks she might throw up. She hasn't left since that afternoon and she's pretty sure if she does, she won't stop screaming. She's so completely throw by all of this, she's shaking. Spencer comes back and she can hear Spencer talking, apologizing, saying exactly everything Ashley doesn't want to hear. And suddenly the bathroom is very small and Ashley needs air. She pushes past Spencer but a hand on her arm keeps her from leaving the room.

"Ash, please, just wait."

"For what?" Ashley says, and it comes out louder than she meant it to. "For you to lie to me some more?"

"I didn't lie, I promised you I wouldn't."

"Exactly," that's what's making it hurt so much. "You promised me you wouldn't but you did!"

"No, no, I didn't. You took the trash out yesterday, the test wasn't there. I didn't take it until this morning and I was going to tell you, I just wanted to wait until Rowan went to bed. Baby, I swear, I didn't know."

"How fucking stupid do you think I am? You knew, you're already showing!" Ashley doesn't know if she's crying because she's hurt or angry or both.

Rowan appears in the doorway behind her and says he heard yelling. Ashley can't look at him and when he asks why his mommy is crying, it only makes her cry harder. Spencer moves around her and crouches down in front of their son.

"She's a little upset, but it's okay--"

"Don't tell him that." These are definitely angry tears.

"Ashley…"

"Well, don't lie to him. Don't tell him things are going to be okay when--"

"_Ashley_," Spencer's using a tone that Ashley hasn't heard. "Stop."

Ashley does. She lets Spencer tell Rowan that they're okay, it's all okay, when it's the furthest thing from it. She tells Rowan to call Tony's and order a pizza and she sends him away. Then she comes back and Ashley's pacing. She really doesn't have it in her to cry or really be angry because she's so drained.

"I can explain," Spencer starts.

"How? How are you going to explain this? You've been lying to me for so long. Everything out of your mouth is a lie."

"No, listen, okay? Just hear me out." Why should Ashley listen? Ashley can't believe she's been so naïve. She let Spencer convince her that everything was all right. That they were going to be okay. How could she be so goddamned stupid? "Will you listen to me?"

Ashley sits down because she doesn't have the energy to stand. When Spencer kneels in front of her and takes her hands, Ashley can't even muster the strength to pull away. Turns out a broken heart actually makes your chest ache.

"Really, Ash, I didn't know. I've been so preoccupied with everything, I thought that's why I was late. When I worry like I have been, my body reacts. Once, I even broke out in hives." Spencer laughs a little and it makes Ashley's stomach burn with anger because this is so not funny. "I thought I was gaining weight because I was stressing. It never, ever occurred to me that it could be anything else or I would've said something, I swear."

Too much of this doesn't make sense and it's making it really hard for Ashley to believe Spencer. Ashley can't understand when Spencer had the time to take the test, or to buy it for that matter, especially if she had not idea. So she asks Spencer, even though she's sort of afraid what the answer is.

Spencer seems kind of fazed but she answers quickly. "I picked it up at Walgreen's when I went to get Rowan more sunscreen." Ashley can't tell if she's lying.

Ashley takes a deep breath and the air makes her lungs burn. Spencer is too close and it's making Ashley anxious. So she stands. "I don't know if I believe you."

"I was sick this morning, that's when I thought… I was going to ask you tonight if you wanted to come with me to the doctor, or the clinic."

"Clinic." Ashley has to repeat that because it takes her a second to understand exactly what Spencer means. Then she gets it. "I need--I need to think."

Ashley runs her hands through her hair; they're still shaking. She has no idea what to say to all this, what to do next. She needs air. Air and maybe lots of alcohol. But she needs to be away from Spencer. She'll come back, but she needs to be gone right now. Very, very gone. When she tries to leave, Spencer blocks the door.

"Spencer, move."

"Please don't walk out."

"Move or I'll move you." Ashley says it but they both know she doesn't mean it. Spencer still steps out of the way.

"What am I supposed to tell Rowan?"

"Well, I'd go with 'goodbye' because I'm taking him with me." Then Spencer is back between her and the door, pushing it shut.

"No, you're not. It's getting late and it's going to be his bedtime soon. He's already upset, don't take him away. Please."

"Fine, whatever. But I'm through talking," and Ashley gets out of the door this time. She stops in the living room to tell Rowan she's going out. She promises him that she'll be back and tells him not to worry. Rowan doesn't tell Ashley not to go. He doesn't cry or refuse to let go of Ashley's leg or any of the things Ashley expects him to do. He just nods solemnly and turns back to the television, like he was used to this. And Ashley feels her heart break again.

-------------------------------------------

Ashley turns down a third drunk guy looking for a date and orders another beer. She didn't know this bar was here, or that it would be full of America's finest, but it was only eight blocks away and Ashley could walk home if she was less than sober, and she was.

When the waitress sets down her drink, Ashley looks up at her. She has blue eyes and blonde hair and Ashley's kind of wasted and she really thinks for a second that it's Spencer. But when she knows it's not, and the girl tries to pick her up, Ashley considers it. Only for a second, though. Then she just gets up and walks away.

Ashley hears a voice in the parking lot and it stops her dead in her tracks. The voice is making her blood boil and Ashley thinks the anger is more sobering than anything. She turns around and makes a beeline back for the entrance, calling Aiden as she does.

"Ashley?" he says. "Guys, one sec." Aiden's band of merry men disappear inside the bar and Ashley couldn't be happier because she couldn't take all four even if the ground wasn't falling out from under her feet.

As soon as he's within reach Ashley punches the smile right off his face. He's so surprised, or maybe Ashley really hit him that hard, that he falls to the ground. Ashley pulls back her foot as swings it square into his crotch as hard as she can. She doesn't ask him how he could do this to her or remind him that he's supposed to be her best friend because she just doesn't care anymore.

Ashley bends down in front of Aiden's face and he crying, she kicked him so hard. But Ashley doesn't feel bad, she actually thinks she feels better. She grabs hold of Aiden's chin and jerks his head up so he's looking at her when she speaks through her teeth. "You stay the hell away from me and anything that's mine."

---------------------------------------------

Ashley spends the night on a park bench, sitting and thinking. She waits until the sun comes up and she's sobered up before she starts walking again. She's got a couple stops to make and she's glad she brought her purse. She uses her AmEx to pay for the taxi but she has to put the rest of it on her Mastercard. Then she heads home, making her phone call in the cab.

Spencer is vacuuming when Ashley gets home so she doesn't hear her come in. Ashley tightens her grip on the bags in her hand and pulls the plug out of the wall. When the appliance dies, Spencer groans and delivers a swift kick to the thing, coupled with a few expletives. It would be funny if Ashley wasn't so tired. Ashley clears her throat and Spencer turns around.

Before Spencer faces her, Ashley turns and heads for the solarium. She's kind of cold and she thinks this will be better in the light. She sits on the whicker bench and waits for Spencer to join her. When she does, Ashley hands her the bag in her lap. Spencer looks confused so Ashley tells her to just open it.

Spencer does and pulls out two things. The first is a tiny pair of booties and the second is a velvet box.

"I didn't know what color to get, blue, pink. So I just got white ones," Ashley says. "It can be our baby, Spencer. Ours, if you want. We wanted two, right?"

Spencer does the thing where she just kind of shakes her head really fast in affirmation because she can't talk and it frees some tears. "I've been thinking and I'm going to believe you. I think maybe this can be a new beginning for us. I called the studio this morning and I my contract is up. I'm going to be taking a producing position so I can stay at the office. So I can stay home."

Ashley takes the little box from Spencer's hands and opens it. She takes the hand that Spencer's using to cover her mouth and pushes the ring on Spencer's fourth finger. "I want us to be a family again. All of us. And I've been thinking that a good way to start that is to reaffirm our vows."

Spencer's crying now and Ashley trying not to. She slips off the bench and takes a knee in front of Spencer, never letting go of her hand. "So, you wanna marry me again?"

Spencer stays quiet and slides onto the floor in front of Ashley, wraps her arms around her, hold her tight enough that Ashley worries about breathing. Ashley takes that as a yes.


	11. Chapter 9

**A/N: So that hiatus lasted longer than I was hoping for. But homework and stuff. Good news though, I've been making some headway in my Creative Writing class so hopefully it will help my stories to not suck so much. Plus, I've been kind of drawing blanks as to where to go from here. I've got some ideas, it's just a matter of stringing them together. So, this chapter is pretty much filler, but long, character-developing filler. There's not as much conflict as in the last chapters, but it's of decent length. Thanks for your patience and I'm glad you're still interested. Feedback is love.**

**Additional Author's Note: I doubt anyone even cares but I'll apologize anyway. I have no idea what first graders are learning in school these days, I hardly remember what I learned. So if the curriculum sounds off base, blame my ineptitude at retaining any useful information. It's after 1am as I post this, so please ignore any mistakes.**

**IX.**

Spencer sits quietly, legs up on the couch and a mug of de-caff cooling betweens her hands. The television is on, but she's not watching it. Her mind is full of other things and the tooth-paste ads and soap operas go in one in ear and out the other. Spencer looks down at her hand where a new diamond stares back at her like a cold, unblinking eye. Spencer pulls her gaze away; she's had enough cold stares already. She hears Ashley as she pads down the hall in bare feet, boxer shorts, and what Spencer is pretty sure is one of Rowan's t-shirts. She slept most of the day away and Spencer's had ample time to think.

Spencer watches Ashley, all wrinkled clothes and tousled hair, as she goes into the kitchen and grabs the coffee pot. Spencer isn't sure how she feels about what happened this morning. Of course she's ecstatic. All she's wanted is her wife and her family and just her life back. And Ashley handed that to her in a velvet box. But there's something nagging, some lingering thought in the back of her head poisoning the read of her mind, telling her it shouldn't be this easy. Ashley approaches with the urn and the smirk on her lips is enough to make Spencer's mouth turn up in a smile.

"Top ya off, hon?" Ashley asks with the affected accent of a truck-stop waitress. It only makes Spencer smile wider, she holds out her mug.

Ashley returns to the living room with her own mug and curls up at the other end of the sectional, blowing softly across the rim. Without makeup on Spencer can she the crow's feet starting at Ashley's eyes and the laugh lines already marring her pretty face. Spencer takes in the rest of her and thinks she's never looked more beautiful, she reminds herself for the millionth time that day how lucky she is.

She doesn't realize she's spoken out loud until Ashley looks up in confusion, "Hmm?"

Spencer repeats herself and Ashley looks down, reaches out lazily to trail a finger up the underside of Spencer's foot, where she's most ticklish. Spencer's foot recoils and she isn't sure which she's more grateful for, the display of affection or that Ashley smiled when she did it.

An hour later, they're sitting again in amiable silence again, Ashley toweling her hair and Spencer looking over the grocery list, when the phone rings. Ashley answers it and Spencer watches as her face changes and Ashley says that yes, she'll be right there. Spencer has to fight the urge to roll her eyes or snort in disgust, but Ashley can read her mind and is quick to assuage her.

"No, it's not work, it was Rowan's school." Ashley must've seen the panic on Spencer's face because she amends, "He's fine, he just got in some trouble, he's in the principle's office."

Spencer rises from her seat at the table but Ashley stops her, tells her to sit. "You sure?"

"Yeah," Ashley says, "I got him, it's fine. I'll be right back." Ashley turns to grab her purse and her keys so when she leans over, Spencer turns her head for a kiss, but Ashley just pats her shoulder and keeps walking. When the door closes, Spencer flinches. Then she's suddenly aware of the arm that's crossed over her stomach and the burning she feels there.

--------------------------------

Ashley doesn't think about the expectant look on Spencer's face when she was leaving, or the disappointed one Ashley is sure was there after she was gone. She doesn't think about it because then she'd think about why and that would just open a whole lot of doors Ashley wants to stayed closed. She palms the steering wheel into a sharp turn at a yellow light and flips off the driver that honks at her. For a second she thinks she doesn't remember where her son's school is, but it's the same one she went to, so it comes back quickly.

She wonders idly as she wakes to the office if it'll still be the same principal waiting for her. She notes with some dissatisfaction as she walks past the door that it is. She spots Rowan in a chair waiting, he feet swinging and his head bouncing. He waves at Ashley when he sees her and calls out. Ashley motions for him to stay where he is and addresses the receptionist.

"Do I just take him or do I have to like, sign something?"

"Are you a legal guardian?" the woman asks, not looking up from her computer.

"I'm his mother," Ashley says, matching the woman's tone. She looks up curtly and tells Ashley that the principal would like to speak with her, if she'd wait just a moment.

When the receptionist sends her in, Ashley pushes the door open without knocking. She plasters a smile on her face for the man in the front of her, "Dr. Monroe."

It takes the man a moment to respond and Ashley can tell he's trying to place her. "Ms. Davies. Please, sit." Ashley does and he follows suit.

"Forgive me, I was expecting Ms. Carlin."

"Mrs." Ashley corrects to get a rise out of him, though she's never been sure how exactly that works between two women.

"Ah. Yes."

"So what's the damage, Doc?"

"Well as you know, your uh, son hasn't been quite the troublemaker you were," Ashley smirks at this, "but I'm afraid he's managed to cause some strife."

"Meaning…?"

"He started a fight." Ashley feels her jaw drop and she laughs a little.

"_My _son? You sure?"

"Quite. He's done a good job of it too, as it were. Apparently, another little boy said something displeasing and Rowan struck him several times."

"Struck him?"

"Yes," Ashley can tell he's becoming exasperated with her. "Several times. Rowan bloodied his nose and--"

"Well, you said the kid was calling him names or whatever, it doesn't sound like Rowan started it."

"Ms. Davies--Mrs… Whatever the case may be, both boys agree that your son struck first. I'm afraid we have a zero-tolerance policy for violence. I have no choice but to suspend him for the rest of the week."

"What? He's six! How much damage could he have done?"

"That is not the point, your son broke the rules and that cannot go undisciplined."

"This is ridiculous, at least tell me what exactly this kid said that set him off." Ashley says.

Dr. Monroe clears his throat before removing his glasses and folding his hands in front of him. The gesture triggers a bout of déjà vu and Ashley remembers sitting in this chair in this office after calling her teacher an asshole when she was nine, so she doesn't realize Dr. Monroe is talking until she hears "dyke." Ashley leaves the office when Dr. Monroe is finished explaining.

Rowan is waiting for her when Ashley walks out of the office, he's biting his nails and scuffing the floor with the foot of his shoe. "Ready to go, bub?"

"Yeah," Rowan says, and he takes the hand Ashley's offering him. "Am I in big trouble?"

"Kinda. You're suspended so you can't come back to school until next week." Rowan stops walking and his jaw drops.

"But on Thursday we're supposed to have commissioner from NASA come and speak to us, he's gonna have pictures from the Mars expedition, I can't miss that!"

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Ashley crouches to eye level and takes her son's hand again, "looks like you're going to have to."

"That's not fair," Rowan whines. His brow furrows and he frowns in a pout that's so completely reminiscent of Spencer that Ashley can't stifle a smile.

When they're in the car, Ashley lets him play his Disney Mania CD even though the tinny melodies and mainstream lyrics give Ashley migraines and make her cringe a little. She drives through a cover of "Bare Necessities" before she says that Dr. Monroe told her what the fight was about.

"He did?" And Ashley nods. "Don't tell Mama."

"Why not?"

"Because she worries. And she told me that I shouldn't let it bother me when people are mean about our family and I shouldn't let it hurt my feelings because some people are just stupid but I can tell that it makes her upset when people aren't nice about it. And I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore. So, don't tell her, okay?"

The rest of the drive home is silent.

Spencer is making Rowan's favorite when they get home. It seems a little early for dinner but Spencer says that Rowan has soccer practice tonight. Ashley didn't know that Rowan was on a soccer team and a look from Spencer tells her that she assumed as much. Spencer's mashing potatoes while Rowan pulls on shin guards and she asks Ashley what happened at the school.

"Uh, Rowan got suspended…"

"What?" Ashley doesn't have a chance to answer before Spencer turns to their son, and she can't keep the anger out of her voice. "You were suspended? What for?"

"Fighting," Rowan answers timidly. "But it wasn't even my fault!"

"What did I say about excuses? You know better than to hit another person."

Spencer doesn't let Rowan protest. She sends him to his room, tells him that he'll be lucky if he sees the soccer field tonight. She disregards Ashley's attempts a mediation and Ashley manages not to argue until Rowan is upstairs.

"That was a little harsh."

Spencer looks sharply at Ashley, "That isn't the first time he's been in a fight, Ashley."

"Did it ever occur to you ask what he was fighting about."

Spencer shakes the cream before adding it to the potatoes. She faces the stove, her back to Ashley, when she speaks it's not at Ashley. "What difference does it make?"

"All the difference, Spencer." Ashley rounds the counter until she's in front of Spencer, until Spencer looks at her. "He was defending us."

"What?"

"Some of the kids were talking about lesbians or something and the Markham kid was laughing at Rowan for having two moms. He said something like it was lucky Rowan wasn't retarded for having dykes as parents, so Rowan hit him."

Spencer sighs and presses the heels of her palms to her eyes. Ashley reaches around Spencer to turn of the burner and follows Spencer without a word to Rowan's bedroom. Spencer knocks before pushing the door open and taking a seat at the foot of Rowan's bed. Rowan sniffles and pushes his face further into his pillow when Spencer pushes some hair back from his forehead.

Ashley watches as Spencer pillows her head nest to her son's and speaks to him softly. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, baby."

"I was only trying to--"

"I know, I know. It's okay. Mommy told me what happened."

Rowan shoots an accusing glare at Ashley through blood-shot eyes, "She said she wouldn't."

"Why didn't you want her to tell me?" Ashley crosses the room and takes whatever space is left on the other side of Rowan.

"Because you always seem to sad and I didn't want to make you sadder." Ashley and Spencer kiss either of his cheeks then take both his hands and follow him downstairs to finish dinner.

------------------------------------

That night, when Ashley gets into bed and she can taste the toothpaste on her breath, she thinks. Spencer turns off the lamp next to their bed and turns over in Ashley's arms. Spencer's hair smells like jasmine and Ashley thinks she might lose herself in it. Ashley's eyes fall shut and she lays a hand on Spencer's belly, her fingers splayed, trying to feel the life there.


	12. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: refers to and borrows from Marlowe's "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love" and Raleigh's "The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd." Are those public domain?**

**A/N: Gasp, an update! Yeah, I'm as surprised as you are. So basically, instead of getting to, or even starting, all homework I should be doing, I'm cranking out the next piece to this li'l baby. Yay for academic procrastination! **

**This is it, folks. There'll be a short epilogue after this, then it's all done. I wanna thank you all for being so patient and committed to this story, it hasn't been easy but I'm reasonably satisfied. It means the world to me that you all like it so much. Enjoy. Un-beta'd, so any mistakes are mine. Feedback is love.**

**X.**

The examining room at the OBGYN is white and sterile. Spencer doesn't doubt that it's clean but it's barren as well. There's a print of "Starry Night" on the wall and Spencer thinks that a Doctor at this price good afford an actual painting, maybe not an genuine Van Gogh, but at least something that wasn't so blatantly cliché. The fluorescent lights are bright and unflattering and somehow make Spencer feel colder. She's exposed in the paper gown and uncomfortable on the metal table with the stirrups that always make her feel awkward and embarrassed. Spencer shivers and climbs off the table, takes a seat next to Ashley in an even more uncomfortable plastic chair. She listens to various machines humming and beeping, watches Ashley thumb through a magazine, and goosebumps rise along her arms, down her bare legs. She feels Ashley put an arm around her, rub her shoulder, trying to warm her up. Spencer has the insane thought that Ashley can read what she's thinking in the Braille on her skin.

Spencer feels Ashley's arm disappear from behind her and she's colder for it. She knows without looking that her mother is standing before them. Ashley hasn't been comfortable displaying any sort of affection for Spencer in front of Paula since they were in high school and it's the only reason for Ashley to have pulled away so quickly. Well, not the only reason, but Spencer hears her mother's voice and it's conformation enough.

"Ashley. Well… isn't this a surprise?" It's a question but all three know the answer. It is indeed a surprise.

"I'm just chock full of 'em."

"So it would seem." Paula ignores the chart in her hand and observes Ashley and Ashley observes her and it's with the same cool regard they've reserved for moments like these. This not-quite indifference, a silent agreement of toleration. Spencer has to clear her throat to end the staring contest.

Paula turns to her, "Shall we?" Spencer stands and moves to the table, _if we must._ They run through all the standard questions and Spencer tells her mother how she's feeling, that she's happy about the baby, that she doesn't care about the sex so long as it's healthy. Then she tells her that Rowan's doing fine, she leaves out that he's been recently suspended, Paula doesn't need another excuse to condemn Spencer's "lifestyle choice." All the while Ashley keeps her eyes on her magazine and Spencer doesn't blame her, she's thankful that they've both managed to pretend they don't hate each other.

When Spencer's got a thermometer in her mouth and Paula is scribbling something on a clipboard, it occurs to Spencer how odd it is, the switch of departments her mother has made. For someone who isn't exactly **yay gay!** Paula spends an awful lot of time between other womens' legs. That thought is disturbing and is bringing all sorts of unwanted mental pictures, Spencer tries to talk around her thermometer just for distraction.

"Where's Dr. Chase?" but it sounds more like "Pwere's saucer lace," and Spencer hears Ashley biting back a giggle.

"He's running behind," Paula says, clearly not amused as she removes the thermometer. "We're understaffed today. There's one patient ahead of you and she's having triplets, so it might be a little while."

Spencer nods. Her mother holds her eyes for a moment and Spencer can see the question in her eyes, Spencer sees all that Paula's dying to ask (why didn't you tell me? this was planned, wasn't it? _who's the father?_) Spencer has to plead with her eyes, she begs silently for her mother to keep these questions to herself. Saying them out loud would be ripping open fresh wounds and Spencer doesn't want to bleed anymore.

Spencer waits, seconds tick like years and Spencer can feel Ashley's eyes on her, sensing the tension blanketing the room like fog. Finally, Paula looks away. She closes her folder and Spencer's sigh of relief is audible. Paula parts with words indifferent congratulations and familiar, practiced indifference. Though, Spencer thinks, the latter was probably because of Ashley.

"That woman is determined to hate me till the day she dies." Thankfully, Ashley doesn't tack on the _Let's hope that's some day soon _that Spencer knows she's thinking.

It's another twenty minutes before the doctor sees them, apologizes for the wait. Spencer is back on the table, propped up by pillows, eyes transfixed on the green-black monitor in front of them. Dr. Chase sweeps the reader across Spencer's growing belly and all three women wait for the mass on the screen to take shape.

Slowly, it clears, defining itself, and the silhouette appears. One second, two, and Spencer can see tiny limbs, barely there. Her breath catches when she sees impossibly small, shut eyes, and she just knows they'll be blue. There's a steady pounding somewhere at the back of Spencer's mind and she thinks that she's hearing the blood rushing past her ears, she's so excited, but she realizes what it is. The baby's heart is beating, steady and sure, and it's enough to set a smile to Spencer's face.

The doctor is dragging a finger across the display, illustrating what line is which leg and, see? That's an ear. Spencer is beside herself, grinning and proud. She turns her head to look at Ashley behind her, she hasn't said anything yet. When she does, though, it's not what Spencer wants to hear.

"I need to go." The hand holding Spencer's is limp. Ashley's eyes are tired and there's something like resignation all over her face. "Sorry."

----------------------

She wouldn't come home until it was dinnertime. She would sit on her side of the table and listen to her son recount how little fun it is being stuck at home all day. She'd smile when appropriate, eat enough to clear her plate, and act as though she had no idea Spencer was three feet away with someone else's baby in her belly, act as though it wasn't tearing her up inside.

---------------------

She wakes to darkness and not-quite silence in the middle of the night. There's a flicker of shadows across the ceiling as a tree outside scatters the little moonlight. There's warm breath at her ear and an arm across her waist where Spencer has fallen asleep. There's a line of heat where Spencer's midsection is pressed against her side. Ashley closes her eyes tight against the irrational thoughts that are making her skin crawl, making her want to shove Spencer away. She thinks she can feel the baby through Spencer's skin, kicking in earnest like the interloper it is, trying to break free.

--------------------------

Spencer finds her in Rowan's room around four. She stands in the open doorway watching Ashley watch Rowan and it's just like after Rowan was born. Ashley would sit for most of the night, tan fingers stroking downy hair, always at his side in case he woke in the night.

Ashley can't picture herself like this when the baby is born. She tries to imagine herself next to a cradle and thinks that touching charcoal-black curls would burn her fingers. She looks up and to the door. Spencer's eyes are bright and unwavering; a beacon Ashley follows back into the dark, hoping, praying for salvation.

-------------------------

Salvation comes on tiny feet in light-up sneakers. Rowan has decided that Wednesday is Family Day and he convinces his mothers to make a trip to Shakey's for lunch. Ashley loses herself in Ski-Ball and Mojos and it's the most retarded fun that she forgets for a couple hours why she's hurting. Until Spencer raises her arms to Rowan for high-fives and her shirt rides up a little. Ashley sees how Spencer's showing and it brings it all back; a flood of heart break on a wave flashing lights and burnt pizza.

-------------------------

Ashley finds her voice that night. She's said so little that when she's hears it, it's a surprise; a stranger's voice sticking in her throat. But she's sure she can be honest now, in the dark, the anonymity of it makes her brave. So she swallows hard, tries again. She doesn't need to look to know that Spencer's awake and listening.

"I don't know if I can love this baby." They're both silent, neither sure what can be said after this inevitable truth. Ashley volunteers "I'm afraid that I won't be able to, when it comes."

Silence.

"So am I."

-----------------------------

Tomorrow comes with rain and thunder, The day is nothing but endless boredom punctuated by the tempest on the other side of the walls. It is brewing and raging and tearing at the place the sun used to be. It rages so that Ashley worries she will never see the sun again. Rowan is in her lap, they're thumbing through an old poetry anthology of Ashley's dad's. Rowan listens, reads some, and even though he can't understand a lot of the words, he is attentive as Ashley reads, anything to be closer to his mom.

The rain keeps falling in sheets, drumming on the roof and Ashley's last nerve. Rowan turns the page and the book is open to one of Ashley's favorites. She reads the beseeching words dripping with hope and curse's the shepherd's folly. She likes it's companion better, thinks this nymph was a truer woman than any. Because youth doesn't last and her love can't breed. Their joy has date and age and need.

At the next rumble of thunder, she flinches at the cracking sky. She fears it will break open and drown them all. All these nights and she cannot move to live with Spencer and be her love.

-------------------------

Alone together and Spencer's words have left her. She doesn't want to break this fragile truce they've established these last few days. Ashley has at least stopped ignoring her, if only for Rowan's sake. Because Spencer can handle the yelling and the fighting, it means they're being honest and sure, it hurts sometimes, but it's the days that Ashley says nothing at all that hurt the most. Those days Spencer thinks she might die of it.

So she waits. Treads softly on this line between discomfort and forced civility because it is better than nothing. Ashley speaks first. Spencer's knuckles go white around her coffee cup as Ashley speaks.

"I feel like I should apologize." Ashley looks up, then down when she sees she has Spencer's attention. "I feel like I should, but I don't want to. I'm sorry that I've been so cold to you lately but I can't be sorry for feeling rationally about this."

Spencer mumbles something about Ashley being entitled.

"I know what I said before and I see now that I said a lot of things I shouldn't have. As much as I want to fix us, I don't think it's as simple as we both want it to be."

"But I thought you wanted--you said you wanted to recommit. You said you wanted to make a new family. _You _said those things Ashley, not me."

"I know. I know what I said and I know it's what I wanted at the time, I'm just not sure if--"

"Dammit, Ashley." Spencer shoves herself almost violently from counter. Across the room she stands, hands on the sink, back to Ashley, breathing hard. "You can't keep doing this to me."

"I'm not doing anything to you. I'm trying to be honest. I can't keep lying and glossing over these thing just because they might be hard to look at."

Ashley moves from her seat at the table so there's only the island between them. She thinks it might s well be an ocean. Her voice is low and she's fighting to keep it steady. "I'm sick to my stomach and I'm sick to heart trying to pretend that things are okay when they're not. I can't go on like this."

Hot tears prick at Spencer's eyes and there's no fight in her left to keep her voice steady. "If you're going to leave me just go."

"Is that what I said?"

"Isn't it?"

"_No."_

"Then I have no idea what you're saying to me but whatever it is, you need to say it fast because I can't take much more of this running around, Ash, I really can't." Spencer's hands are in her hair and she's pressed against the counter look small and distraught, a damsel in distress. But Ashley doesn't have to words to rescue her, she is armed with only truth and this truth is hardly chivalrous.

"I'm saying sorry, for one. This is not what I've wanted for us. I've wanted so badly to make you happy for as long as I can remember and I'm sorry if it ever looked like that stopped being true." Ashley's in front of Spencer now, one hand reaching for another. Ashley holds up Spencer's left, looking at the ringed finger and she speaks. "The day I gave you this I promised you that I was yours and I would love you forever. I committed to you and to us and to the family we made together.

"You need to know that this family is the most important thing to me. Rowan is my world and that will not change, I swear to you. And I love you, Spencer. You were my world, too."

Spencer's eyes snap shut at the past tense and it's all she can do to choke back a sob. Ashley's free hand rises quickly and her thumb chases away any tears that have escaped.

"No, baby, listen. Listen." Ashley waits until Spencer looks at her again, her eyes wet and her lips trembling. "I love you. I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, but I do. You've been my rock, my partner, my lover, my best friend. We're family, always. No matter what you do or what I say, that can't change. I love you so much."

Ashley pauses and Spencer waits for the "but" she know is coming. "I'm just not sure how anymore."

Spencer doesn't bother fighting the tears now. "No, no. Don't tell me that…"

"I don't want you to misunderstand me."

"What's there to misunderstand, you're telling me you're not in love with me anymore!"

"I just think I need some time to figure this all out."

"You've _had _time, Ashley! I gave you all the space you needed and you still can't decide what you want."

"It's not that easy, Spencer."

"Yes it is. Either you want to be with me or you don't. Either you love me or you don't."

"I don't know what you want me to say to that."

"I want you to say that we can get past this. Now. That this waiting and this fighting is over and you can love me again. That you still want to spend your life with me. I want you to say that you want that."

"I want it. And I want you and I want us back, but--"

"No more buts, okay, please?"

Ashley closes the distance between them now. She takes Spencer's face between her hands and Spencer covers Ashley's hands with her own. The close proximity is enough to calm them both and when the tears stop, Ashley tries again.

"I don't want us to get torn apart and I'm afraid that's what's happening. I don't know how many more surprises I can take. I thought I could do this," Ashley's hands drop to Spencer's stomach and rest there. "I thought I could because I love you and our family but I don't know that I can look at this baby everyday and watch it grow and know where it came from and still love it."

"Her," Spencer says quietly.

"What?"

"Her. You called her it. She's a girl."

"A girl?"

"Yeah. You, uh, left before the doctor said."

"I'm scared."

"I know." Spencer takes a deep breath, tries to collect her thoughts. "Can I say something?"

"Yeah."

"I know there's no excusing what I did and I won't try to justify it anymore. But I can't choose between the two of you, please don't ask me to."

Ashley looks up sharply at this. Spencer's voice is all fear and defeat and it breaks Ashley's heart. "Spencer, I would never. I couldn't." Ashley doesn't say that she knows what that's like, but they're both thinking it.

"You promise?"

"Swear."

Spencer leans forward until her forehead is resting against Ashley's. She nods in understanding.

"But I can't promise that I can--"

"I know. I know." Spencer pauses and Ashley turns her head, drops it to the crook of Spencer's neck, drapes an arm around her waist. "But can you try?"

It's a full 30 seconds before Ashley answers, but there's a nod, yes.

-----------------------

That night, when they're in bed, Ashley watches Spencer as she sleeps. She watches and she wonders how she could question for a second that she loves Spencer. She reaches out a shaking hand and rests it gently on Spencer's stomach over her t-shirt. She's not surprised when Spencer's hand covers her own.

Ashley's voice comes out softly, surely. "We should tell Rowan tomorrow." She looks up, catches the glint of Spencer's eyes in the dark. "Tell him he's gonna have a sister."

Spencer doesn't say anything.

"I've been thinking."

"Yeah?"

"About what to call her," Ashley says. "A name." Ashley has thought, thought so long her head hurts. She decides who she loves. And she's decided.

"Okay." Ashley laces their fingers, leaves them over where this new baby grows. Yes, she's decided. "What's it gonna be?"

"Hope."


End file.
